Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Twilight, or, A Plague on Humanity

"Any 'Twilight' fan can tell you that they've been written so well, that they're real," said John Henson, a 33-year-old costume designer who collects original clothing from the film. "It was the second book, 'New Moon,' that made me a fan. It was chapter three, and it was the breakup of Bella and Edward; it hit me so hard emotionally that I had to cancel dinner with friends. At that point I was 29, 30 years old, and to make me cry? That's when I knew Stephenie Meyer was a brilliant writer."
(Taken from

Read that. Let that quote simmer in your brain.



Feel that growing burning sensation? That feeling that maybe you've got a fever going? Good, you're on the right path.



Sim--Hopefully your brain is boiling now, overcome with the complete insanity of what John Henson, male, 33, said about the Twilight series of books. A few things:

1) The fact you're a giant pussy who cries because two fictional characters break up with each other does not make Stephenie Meyer a brilliant writer. It's makes you a pussy.

2) I changed my mind. There's just one thing.

How is this possible? How does a poorly written series of books with universally terrible reviews generate such insanity among people?

I think it's possible that Twilight is part of a global terrorist conspiracy aimed at destroying the US by making women so convinced that the only reason to go through the reproductive process is that your mate meets the qualifications of being:
  1. Incredibly attractive
  2. Devoted to your every whim
  3. A vampire
Now, most men are going to fail to meet those standards. You can see how this might affect the United States come thirty years from now when a whole Children of Men situation is going on. I don't have proof yet to back my theory, but I will report back as I find out more.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Plight of Orcs in Middle Earth

So I was incredibly hungover Saturday and watching The Fellowship of the Ring when I had an interesting realization. Orcs get completely shafted in this trilogy. They’re basically slaves, cannon fodder, or forced to live in dank pits. Why the hell do they let all of this happen?

I know they aren’t the smartest creatures, I mean they get outsmarted by hairy-footed midgets like 342 times, but you’d think that at least one rebellious orc would be like “Hey, fuck you dad, I’m getting an education at Middle Earth Tech.”

Take the orcs that work for Saruman, for example. They spend their time creating a race of new, better orcs for him. Why the hell would you do that? I don’t want to build Joe Jensen 2.0. I enjoy not being outdated. But they’re creating these orcs, and not only are they way sweeter, but from the time they’re born, they start murdering the old orcs, just for the hell of it. I don’t know about you, but as soon as I start working in an environment where the product starts killing my co-workers, I’m out of there.

This is why I generally don’t support the plausibility of evil minions. Like, sure, at first it might seem like a good idea, sort of like joining a company like Enron. Everything’s going well, the powerful entity is doing work on the world, but then shit hits the fan. You wouldn’t try and go back to work for Enron after they imploded, so why would these orcs go back to Sauron after he got his ass handed to him by a dude with a broken sword and allow themselves to be treated like week-old dog shit?

It just doesn’t make sense. Are there no unions in Middle Earth? Elves, men, dwarves, hobbits, eagles, ghosts, balrogs; they’ve all got their shit together. At what point did the orcs think, “Oh, hey, you know what would be sweet? Being the bitches of other people!”

Here is the best answer I came up with: orcs are the victims of an incredibly racist society. Is it okay to enslave them? Yes. Who enslaves them? Saruman, the White. Every other race despises them and considers them universally evil (apparently, stereotyping is cool in Middle Earth). Frodo has a sword that lets him know when orcs are around. You can tell me it’s just a warning that he’s about to be attacked, but I’m pretty sure it’s to let him know if he should introduce himself to the new neighbors or not.

I want to see the orcs stand up for their rights through non-violent protest and throw off the shackles of their oppressors. I would hope Aragorn could be their Abraham Lincoln, but knowing his “decapitation policy” towards most orcs he meets, I highly doubt such a thing will happen. And based upon the success they’ve had so far in liberating themselves, I can only assume that the orcish Martin Luther King Jr. will not be coming around anytime soon.

So there you have it. The Lord of the Rings isn’t a movie about inner strength or badass epic battles, but rather an endorsement of segregationist policies. If you have greenish-brownish-blackish slimy skin, jagged rotting teeth, a predisposition to murder and eat your victims, or questionable hygiene, don’t expect to be warmly welcomed by the people of Middle Earth. Or Peter Jackson.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Geoff and I converse.

This conversation seemed awesome when it happened. We'll see how well it ages.

dogs have wheelchairs?


apparently they have whole websites dedicated to them


that dog should just be shot

thats what happens when dogs cant walk


sort of like (person's name)?

definitely crossed a line there.



leapt over it


won the triple jump championship


olympic jumped it


michael jordan doing the doctor j dunk in the all star game jumped over it


i believe i can fly jumped it


you might win this one


im trying



i want to go with inspector gadget

but i can't make it not lame

nevermind got a better one

batman escaping the police using the rockets attached to his car to leap from the top of a goddamned building to a bridge jumped it


i was gonna use a car jump one too


evil keneival it




damn this wavelength we're both on


its a roommate thing


i'm serious about those pink heart tattoos


i already got mine


knew i could count on you

justin timberlake making the leap from boy band music to soulful adult contemporary jumped it

i feel like that one was pretty clutch


yup. done.

you take it

that was beautiful


yeah i'm pretty proud of it to be honest

i'm glad that we had an entire epic conversation about this though


you should be

ill tell your kids about it


i'll tell your wife about it after i nail her probably

Monday, July 6, 2009


The Fourth of July got me thinking about pride in America and how it’s a really weird thing. If you’re proud of your country, you’re called a patriot. You can wave flags, blow things up, get drunk, and people will be proud of you because you’re supporting your country.

Now, suppose you’re proud of say, your race. Do any of those things fly? Fuck no. I’m pretty sure getting drunk and then blowing things up because you’re proud to be white is considered a hate crime. Weird, right?

And the contradictions don’t stop there:

Things you can be proud of:

Sexual orientation (if gay)

Faith in Jesus
Sports Teams
People who assassinate abortion doctors
Being fat
Not knowing a foreign language

Things you cannot be proud of:

Sexual orientation (if straight)
Crystal Meth
Faith in Mohammad
Living in Mississippi

It’s just odd that some of these things are okay to proud of while others are not. I feel like if people are allowed to go around waving flags about being gay, I should probably be allowed to get drunk in public on a daily basis. I’m a proud alcoholic, damnit.

And maybe I am proud of crystal meth. Harrisonburg, Virginia is the meth capital of the East Coast. That’s right, the entire east coast. Can any state besides Virginia claim that? No. But because of some arbitrary moral imperative, if I get the least bit proud that the home of crystallized methamphetamine is located in the state I was born in, people shun me.

It’s just like when I refuse to be proud of fat people. “Oh, Joe, it’s their life choice,” you might say. Fuck that! No one chooses to be fat. It’s not like those half ton people on Discovery Health wake up one morning and are like, “Hey, I’m going to do something with my life today.” I refuse to believe that being fat is something to be proud of. Unless you’re a sumo wrestler.