Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Twilight, or, A Plague on Humanity

"Any 'Twilight' fan can tell you that they've been written so well, that they're real," said John Henson, a 33-year-old costume designer who collects original clothing from the film. "It was the second book, 'New Moon,' that made me a fan. It was chapter three, and it was the breakup of Bella and Edward; it hit me so hard emotionally that I had to cancel dinner with friends. At that point I was 29, 30 years old, and to make me cry? That's when I knew Stephenie Meyer was a brilliant writer."
(Taken from

Read that. Let that quote simmer in your brain.



Feel that growing burning sensation? That feeling that maybe you've got a fever going? Good, you're on the right path.



Sim--Hopefully your brain is boiling now, overcome with the complete insanity of what John Henson, male, 33, said about the Twilight series of books. A few things:

1) The fact you're a giant pussy who cries because two fictional characters break up with each other does not make Stephenie Meyer a brilliant writer. It's makes you a pussy.

2) I changed my mind. There's just one thing.

How is this possible? How does a poorly written series of books with universally terrible reviews generate such insanity among people?

I think it's possible that Twilight is part of a global terrorist conspiracy aimed at destroying the US by making women so convinced that the only reason to go through the reproductive process is that your mate meets the qualifications of being:
  1. Incredibly attractive
  2. Devoted to your every whim
  3. A vampire
Now, most men are going to fail to meet those standards. You can see how this might affect the United States come thirty years from now when a whole Children of Men situation is going on. I don't have proof yet to back my theory, but I will report back as I find out more.


  1. Yeah, um, that dude is off his rocker.

    That said, I love the books, even though I know they're trash.

    And I'm in a wonderful relationship with an UN-undead person. No debates over our immortal souls to worry about. :P

  2. No but the problem is that you already knew what you wanted by the time you started reading the books. 13 year olds will not have that advantage.