His name is Bill Brasky.
------------------------------------------Thunder rumbled in the distance and lightning scorched the air the night Bill Brasky was born. It was in a tiny cabin that Willimina Brasky gave birth to the man who would shape the Earth forever. She had been in labor for 137 hours trying to give birth to the giant of a child before Brasky finally decided to fight the indignity of coming out of his mother’s vagina by punching through her womb, instantly killing her. Bill Brasky is a merciful being, however, and he revived her as soon as he had cleaned off the afterbirth and dressed himself in a robe he made after killing and skinning a bear. He was 45 minutes old.
The legend of Bill Brasky does not end there though, not by a long shot. He grew into a strong boy, and by age 8 he was seven foot five and as strong as sixteen oxen. It was not uncommon to see Brasky beating Paul Bunyan up for fun or calling John Henry a girl while he held his hammer over his head. It was during these years that World War Two broke out, however, and it was not long before Franklin Roosevelt called on the services of America’s most important asset. He begged and pleaded with Brasky, sometimes to join the war, sometimes to give back his wheelchair. Days passed before Brasky finally consented, having tired of constantly hearing the whining of who he would later refer to as America’s most crippled President.
And so young Brasky ventured off to Nazi Germany to end a war he had finally grown sick of. He led the D-Day invasion, killing what can only be estimated to be thousands of Germans with rocks and sea turtles he found lying on the beaches of Normandy. Leaving the bunch of “pussies” (as he called them) that needed to rest, heal, and mourn after the attack, he proceeded to invade Berlin alone. After defeating Hitler’s entire guard with a spear attached to a Nazi flag (Bill Brasky enjoys the irony of murdering an ideals based group with their own symbol), he proceeded to look for the Führer himself.
It took a day for Brasky to find his scent, but he finally tracked Hitler to a bunker behind the Reichstag. He tied Hitler up before having sex with Eva Braun right in front of him. Afterwards, with Eva lying on the ground, barely able to breathe from the most amazing sexual experience of her life, Brasky untied Hitler, lifted him high above his head, and with a motion as fast as the lightning that struck the sky on his birthday, broke Hitler over his knee. As he left the bunker, his mission complete, Eva Braun called to him to stay with her, for she loved him. Brasky’s silent back was the only answer she received, and with the knowledge that she could never be with the man who had satisfied her more than she ever thought possible, committed suicide. And with that, Bill Brasky turned nine.